Single (Again) in Rhinebeck
by Cait Johnson

Online recently there was a bright red headline that blared "Best Cities for Singles: Where to Be if You're Looking for Love!" Well, I can tell you that Rhinebeck will not be on this list. Now, I'm not saying Rhinebeck isn't a great place to raise a family. It is. The schools are good, it's so safe many of us don't even lock our doors, and you can't throw a rock without hitting two or three intriguing shops and fabulous restaurants. But if you're single and over forty, meeting someone can be a tad problematic. Walk down the main drag in town on a pleasant night and what do you see? Couples. Married couples. Couples with dogs and children in tow. It's enough to make you feel like an anomaly. In fact, when you ask just about anybody middle-aged, "So, what can you tell me about the singles scene in Rhinebeck?" the response is either a dumbfounded look ("There's a singles scene in Rhinebeck?") or slightly hysterical laughter.

The very young have school or the mall, while the moderately young can do the bar thing (one local haunt, which shall remain nameless, does cater to an older divorced crowd but it was once referred to in my hearing as "Home of the Walking Wounded" and I wouldn't recommend it as a healthy place to meet potential mates). Evidently there are some nice places in Kingston that feature wine tastings for singles, but there is nothing like that here.

Those of us who work outside the home always have the workplace as a pool; that's how my ex met his match. But as one home-working friend put it, "I'm chained to my desk hour after hour, day after day. If I'm going to meet someone, he'd have to parachute out of the sky and land in my yard." Also, many of us find ourselves working six days a week just to make the expenses we once shared with a partner. It doesn't leave a lot of time or energy for dating. And what if you're an introvert? I just know there are dozens of sweet, divorced or widowed introverts out there somewhere, but you don't see them going out much.

Some of us turn to online dating services rather than whine about our difficult partner-seeking lot, but oh lordy there is no truth in advertising there—and you have to wade through a lot of hype and sometimes downright dreck. (One out-of-state acquaintance, on public disability for severe mental illness, who is medicated to the gills and chronically in debt, recently went on Match.com. Did she happen to mention these particulars in her profile? Well, no. But she gets lots of responses. Caveat emptor.) And while I do know several people who found their mates online, it can also be a horrendous waste of time: you often find yourself hopefully emailing back and forth for weeks with people when 30 seconds in their presence (see Speed Dating, below) would have told you there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell, period. As one friend put it, it's all about someone's energy, and it's hard to really get a sense of that in an email, where it‘s just too easy to put on a mask. Plus it takes nerves of steel to do a kiss-off, especially if you're the compassionate type. Conversely, it can be downright humiliating to realize that there are people out there who fail to see you for the unique and fabulous person that you are. In this case, it can feel a whole lot better just to stay home, leaving one's illusions of specialness intact.

Then there is the Speed Dating phenomenon, for all of us very busy people with the attention span of a gnat, although I haven't heard of this happening anywhere very local. Maybe in Kingston. But here's the concept: you have, say, a minute or two in which to ask questions, talk to, or otherwise make a Meaningful Connection with someone face to face before a bell clangs and you go on to the next victim. This gives you the advantage of being able to sense that all-important energy, but for an introvert it could sound like one of the Nine Circles of Hell.

Perhaps the crux of this particular matter is that, while some folks relish the excitement and romance of dating, others of us would rather just skip all that. For us, it sounds infinitely more appealing to have someone to sit around with in the morning, wearing fuzzy bathrobes, sipping coffee, and telling each other our dreams or whatever. Someone to care about, no champagne or roses necessary. I guess it all boils down to what you're looking for: dating and romance and excitement—or a real life-partner (or a Real-Life partner).

So here are some helpful suggestions if you are looking for a life-mate in Rhinebeck or environs:

1. Spread the word to all your friends that you are open to meeting people. Sometimes even your married friends will know somebody who knows somebody; let those ripples spread.

2. Do what you passionately love. Show up on the street corner for peace rallies, or make your voice heard at local meetings or political events. Take a workshop in digital photography or landscape painting, or go to gallery openings. Check out the Singles Hikes at Mohonk and elsewhere if you're a nature lover.

3. Haunt local libraries, bookshops, the Farmer's Market, the health food store, or even the grocery store (we've all heard those stories about making an instant connection with someone over the Swiss chard).

4. Take a martial arts class or yoga (I happen to know at least one single instructor who is pretty dishy).

Even if you don't meet Mr. or Ms. Right, you will at least be getting out and having fun and hopefully starting to exude some life-force and good energy. Enjoy your own company. You may even decide (low be it spoken) that you are perfectly happy and contented on your own.

But if you do know someone with a flair for matchmaking, tell them there is definitely a niche here waiting to be filled. According to a friend, a car-repair man in Poughkeepsie recently started matching up his clients (successfully, too, I might add), and you may have heard about the cab driver in New York City who does the same thing. So if you're reading this and you're reasonably perceptive about the single people you know and you see how their energies might work well together, a village turns its lonely eyes to you. You'd be performing an invaluable service.